The moon was full. It lay a path across the lake – a glistening lane in tranquil ripples. A night for travelling on a boat with a billowed sail, for pirate ships, treasure and painted wings, sealing wax and dragons that lived across the sea. It was a night for wonder. It was also game seven with the Cavs and Warriors. Moon gazing would have to wait.
My husband and I had run away from the children for the weekend. Yes, our three adult children. It was a spontaneous decision. I left them on Friday morning. I didn’t make dinner. I left them money. It was entirely against my grain. I did pop out and buy a Challah before we left. We threw our belongings in a case, as if caution to the wind.
My shoulders notched down, like the tin man with a swig from the oil can with each ‘Oro line’ we passed heading to the lake. I needed some space. Some calm. A reprise from all the meanderings in my head – all those should-haves, things to do, wishes for things that are not mine to wish for, contemplations and mingling notions. And the practice of that proverbial monkey, hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, or some rendition of that. I needed a re-set. A moment to set the dial back to me, to only be concerned with my own happiness ~ who said that our happiness depends on the happiness of our children.
Back to game 7. My husband was rooting for LeBron James and was wrapped up in the Cleveland story. I will cheer loudest for my home teams, but I do like Steph Curry. Also, I really have a pet peeve about the word deserve. Did the Cavs ‘deserve’ this win because no team had won in 50 something years? Did the fans ‘deserve’ this? Sometimes we do feel entitled, and deserving.
I don’t feel entitled to this time, or deserving of it, even though there could be a long list that would support that notion. I am however allowed to give this time to myself, to maybe be a little selfish. To know that it’s okay at this point of my life to be good just to myself, even though I love spending time with my kids, and doing whatever I can do help and enrich their lives, as they enrich mine.
I am conscious of these days. Aware of the passage of time. The quickness. And, I can sometimes get pulled into ‘the stuff’. It’s really important for me to see the beauty in my life. Find happiness. Appreciate the now. These are the messages I say to myself, that sustain me, create my equanimity and equilibrium.
After the game, we did go outside to look at the most beautiful illuminating moon. The summer solstice was indeed dancing on the warm, dreamy breeze. We went to the road to find the darkness that could see the stars. There in a meadow I saw tiny flashes of light. Fireflies. Remember the nursery rhyme about the Teddy Bears Picnic, “If you go into the woods today you’re in for a big surprise… watch them, catch them unaware….” Well, I felt as if I was opening a storybook to the firefly ball. We watched the flight patterns as they signaled across the sky, between the tall grasses, amongst the trees.
As I closed my eyes that night, and my mind felt clear, as if a kaleidoscope revealing it’s magical configurations and bracketing into a shape. I could see. The moon was full. The water rippled ever so gently. The seven stars that I think must have been the little dipper, and the lights of the Fireflies that enchanted a summer’s eve.